Onion News: Two Hipsters Angrily Call Each Other ‘Hipster’
From that bastion of hilarity, The Onion:
Two Hipsters Angrily Call Each Other ‘Hipster’
AUSTIN, TX—An argument between local hipsters Dan Walters and Brian Guterman has devolved to the point where each is angrily calling the other “hipster,” those close to the pair reported Monday. “Hey, hipster! Here’s 12 bucks—why don’t you go get yourself a bucket of PBRs at the Gold Mine?” Walters, 22, is said to have told Guterman, 22, invoking the name of a local bar known for its “poseur” clientele. “Whatever you say, scenester,” Guterman allegedly replied. “Don’t you have a Death Cab For Cutie show to be at right now?” Acquaintances of Guterman and Walters trace the long-running conflict back to high school, when they reportedly threw pencils at each other and argued about who was more “emo.”
Addendum: Read the HILARIOUS Onion story (37 Record-Store Clerks Feared Dead In Yo La Tengo Concert Disaster) that someone posted in the comments by clicking on the “6 comments” link right below this. It’s one of the funniest things I’ve read all month:
Name: Heather Browne
Hilarious! I saw Destroyer and Magnolia Electric Co. in Boston (actually Cambridge) a few nights back. Haven’t been to many live shows in the past few years, I was amazed at the “hipster” crowd, almost everyone looked the same; vintage tees, mod haircut, etc. Reminded me of the early 90′s when all of us wore the flannel grunge uniform. I have to say that the hipsters of today smell better than the Phishheads of the 90′s. The last Phish show I was at I wanted to take a firehose to all the dirty hippies.
JMH — March 30, 2006 @ 3:58 pm
priceless.
jeffro — March 30, 2006 @ 4:35 pm
or A Night at the HiDive
Gotta give Matt love for creating a 365 venue, but damn does he get some water-downed acts through there! Gap styled indie bar if there ever was one. Stamp em out one at a time.
Finally, what’s up with Denver missing out on shows more than ever. Arab Strap, no, Sue Jorge, no, etc. Minneapolis is killing us getting all these shows. Maybe the Nuggets will crush the T-Woves tonight to pay em back.
Anonymous — March 31, 2006 @ 8:32 am
My Favorite Onion/Hipster story…
37 Record-Store Clerks Feared Dead In Yo La Tengo Concert Disaster
April 10, 2002 | Issue 38•13
ATHENS, GA—Thirty-seven record-store clerks are missing and feared dead in the aftermath of a partial roof collapse during a Yo La Tengo concert Monday.
Dazed record-store clerks stagger away from the scene of the roof collapse.
“We’re trying our best to rescue these clerks, but, realistically, there’s not a lot of hope,” said emergency worker Len Guzman, standing outside the 40 Watt Club, where the tragedy occurred. “These people are simply not in the physical condition to survive this sort of trauma. It’s just a twisted mass of black-frame glasses and ironic Girl Scouts T-shirts in there.”
Also believed to be among the missing are seven freelance rock critics, five vinyl junkies, two ‘zine publishers, an art-school dropout, and a college-radio DJ.
The collapse occurred approximately 30 minutes into the Hoboken, NJ, band’s set, when a poorly installed rooftop heating-and-cooling unit came loose and crashed through the roof, bringing several massive steel beams down with it.
Andy Ringler, an assistant manager at Wuxtry Records, sustained head trauma when he ran back into the building to rescue a fellow clerk.
“I just had to help,” said Ringler, listed in stable condition at a nearby hospital. “I saw all these people coming out bleeding and dazed. I gave up my vintage Galaxie 500 shirt just to help some guy bandage his arm. It was horrible.”
Added Ringler: “I just pray they can somehow get this club rebuilt in time for next month’s Dismemberment Plan/Death Cab For Cutie show. That’s a fantastic double bill.”
Joe Gaer was among the lucky record-store clerks who escaped unscathed.
Enlarge ImageClerks jump
Some of the missing clerks from Monday’s Yo La Tengo show.
“I was in the bathroom when it happened,” said Gaer, a part-time cashier at School Kids Records. “There was this loud crashing sound, followed by even louder crashing, and then all these screams. If I hadn’t left to take a leak during ‘Moby Octopad’—to be honest, never one of my favorite songs on I Can Hear The Heart Beating As One—I’d probably be among the dead.”
“It’s just tragic,” Gaer continued. “I heard they were going to play Daniel Johnston’s ‘Speeding Motorcycle.’ They almost never do that one live.”
Devastated by the disaster, Athens record-store owners are still holding out hope that their employees are still alive.
“All I can do is wait and pray they’ll find them,” said Bert’s Discount Records owner Bert Halyard, who lost clerks Todd Fischer and Dan Harris in the collapse. “They were going to start an experimental/math-rock band together. Dan had a really nice Moog synthesizer and an original pressing of the first Squirrel Bait EP.”
As of press time, police and emergency rescue workers were still sifting through the wreckage for copies of Magnet, heated debates over the definition of emo, and other signs of record-store-clerk life.
“I haven’t seen this much senseless hipster carnage since the Great Sebadoh Fire Of ’93,” said rescue worker Larry Kolterman, finding a green-and-gold suede Puma sneaker in the rubble. “It’s such a shame that all those bastions of indie-rock geekitude had to go in their prime. Their cries of ‘sellout’ have been forever silenced.”
Anonymous — March 31, 2006 @ 9:09 am
THANKS Anonymous. I am LAUGHING OUT LOUD (still) from reading that. Oh, my sides. Aidez moi.
heather — March 31, 2006 @ 9:17 am
Yeah the YLT headline is top 5, but still reigning champ:
Jenna Bush’s Federally Protected Wetlands Officially Opened for Drilling
Anonymous — March 31, 2006 @ 10:49 am