I am no slouch when it comes to assembling IKEA furniture. Give me an allen wrench and let me have at it and ye shall have a fine entertainment center in no time.
HOWEVER.
There is something strange and unknowable about the IKEA Picture Hanging Kit. And yes, I am actually writing a post on it because it confounds me (and I don’t like to be confounded). I have about 4 or 5 IKEA Picture Hanging Kits in my home with all of the gold hooks and nails gone and used, because they are the only component of the assortment that I know what it does. Let me introduce you to some of the other parts, and if you are of Swedish descent and/or can tell me what they do, then I will send you some meatballs and lingonberry sauce:
Ah, my first nemesis. The plastic hook I can understand. The three prongs pointing out towards you I cannot. Do you impale your picture on the prongs or hang it on the hook? Unknown.
This thing looks like you could nail it (?) to your picture? And then it would grip a nail on the wall? That seems like a lot of work when I could just use a thumbtack. Who uses these? I have sat and turned this guy over and over in my hands and tried to figure out which side is the front and what one would do with it. I see no nail hole. I am baffled.
And here’s the granddaddy of them all. It’s for when you want to hang eleven things on little hooks, AND impale things onto four prongs. What am I missing here?!
I have no doubt that someday the heavens of knowledge will open up on me, and in a celestial chorus of wisdom, I will suddenly understand all the pieces of the IKEA Picture Hanging Kit and my walls will look that much more professional and flawlessly hung. Maybe I’ll also get to use the X-Acto knife and twine that come in the kit as well.
This is not meant as a poor “dumb girl” post (not at all), but maybe I am just bitter because I nailed an IKEA nail INTO my finger today while trying to utilize these mysterious bits of hardware. Frickin’ IKEA (oh, and are they a purveyor of possibly phallic photography or not?).
Ha ha, I’m not going back to school. Ever. But if you are or know someone who is (darn kids at 6:45am at the school across the street from my house, bells ringing, band practice, what have you) Music for Kids Who Can’t Read Good has a fantastic Back-To-School Mix post that I wish I thought of. Here’s the tunes Taylor selected along with his witty musings, head over to his blog to snag the downloads (and there’s a few tunes from me at the end):
Mark Mothersbaugh – Hardest Geometry Problem in the World “I’m sorry. Did someone say my name?”
Beach Boys – Be True to Your School School spirit is so underrated, just because you’re an indie kid doesn’t mean you can’t let your colors fly.
The La’s – There She Goes Don’t ask me why, but I think this is a great back to school song. Now that we’re in the Facebook era though the song should be more like “There she goes again – Her name is Mandy, she’s an elementary ed major and she enjoys Jack Johnson and The Notebook”
Yo La Tengo – Autumn Sweater Not quite autumn yet but this song will prepare you for its inevitable arrival.
Wham! – Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go For those of you exploring the college night life but like to take long afternoon naps. Also a good song to put on for spontaneous visits to Starbucks.
Hot Chip – And I Was A Boy From School Not only is this song about school but it will impress your hipster friends.
Paul Simon – Me and Julio Down By The School Yard The lesson here is if your going to get it on with some guy named Julio by a school yard, make sure your mom isn’t around.
Belle & Sebastian – Wrapped Up In Books This will describe a lot of you guy’s college experiences. Luckily, I’m a Mass Comm major, which means minimal book-reading and lots of watching TV (for homework).
TV Theme – Saved By The Bell Perhaps the most accurate portrayal of high school/college ever. Oh, the memories.
To this fine list, I would add the following selections to round things out:
“Education” – Pearl Jam (Vedder questions his education in true rock ‘n’ roll form)
“Chemistry” – Semisonic (not really the kind of chemistry you are learning in class per se, but a great sly pop song with educational allusions)
“Middle School Frown” – Josh Rouse (I am so glad that I am not in middle school anymore – or “junior high” as us old folks used to call it back then)
“Conjunction Junction” – Better Than Ezra (A little Schoolhouse Rocks! ditty to help you remember your good grammar)
“Don’t Stand So Close To Me (’86)” – The Police (a nod to those of us who ever had a completely inappropriate crush on a hot teacher)
This is one of the funniest things I’ve seen in a while. I love the utmost heartfelt musical conviction that Aziz Ansari displays while he walks through the streets bumpin’ Paula Cole after losing a bet. Each song is better (and by better I mean worse) than the next.
Priceless. (From 2005, but hey, I am just seeing it now – thanks Stereogum!).
Recently I ruminated on the Kenny Rogers twin who frequents my gym. Thanks to a reader tip, I have now learned that apparently the formula for living life as a Kenny-Rogers-lookalike is a fairly easy combination of distinguished graying beard, jolly eyes (lookin’ a little pinched now, post-plastic-surgery), and paunchy belly. Extra points if you can sing “The Gambler” (as I am wont to do in karaoke) or have ever met Dolly Parton.
I’d better bring a digital camera next time I go the gym and try to snare me some photographic proof that I have the actual Kenny at my YMCA. Oh, and I guess I gotta feature some music from The Man himself:
This old-timey song is a winning combination of pathos: a handicapped man, injured doing his “patriotic chore” in a “crazy Asian war,” a tartlet of a woman who has “painted up [her] lips and curled and rolled [her] tinted hair” in preparation for her no-good vamping out on the town while crippled boyfriend sits at home, watching the shadows move across the wall and fantasizing about readying his shotgun to stop her heartless ways. Man, it’s got all the elements. Not to say that it is exactly my kind of song, but it’s one you should know.
That’s three more covers of this song than you ever needed. But for an old guy, Kenny’s continued relevancy is kind of notable. And his continued appearance in everyday life around me is a bit disconcerting.
This made me chuckle, being the combo music-lover and uber-nerd-of-random-facts that I am.
Factual Mistakes in Famous Songs originally from The Onion’s AV Club
U2, “Pride (In The Name Of Love)” It’s probably difficult to work the assassination of a civil-rights leader into a song––but if anyone can do it, Bono can! Unfortunately, he fudges the facts a bit in the last chorus of this song, when he sings about the killing of Martin Luther King Jr., “Early morning, April 4 / Shot rings out in the Memphis sky.” King was actually shot on the balcony of the Lorraine Motel at 6:01 p.m., which makes Bono off by about 10 hours. But he did get the date and the city right. Oh, and the pride part. Which isn’t bad for a Nobel Peace Prize nominee.
Young MC, “Bust A Move“ Though Young MC is completely logical throughout most of this song––he’s absolutely right, in most situations, you should bust a move––things get a little confusing in the last verse. He raps: “Your best friend Harry / has a brother Larry / in five days from now he’s gonna marry / he’s hopin’ you can make it there if you can / ’cause in the ceremony you’ll be the best man.” Now, why would your best friend’s brother choose you as best man over his own flesh and blood? Is Harry just going to be a run-of-the-mill usher at his brother’s wedding while you’re toasting and keeping track of the rings? Also, why would Larry inform you of his family-shaking decision a mere five days before the wedding? It doesn’t make sense. Fortunately, Young MC totally compensates for any logical gaps in the next line, when he rhymes “neato” and “libido.”
‘N Sync, “Digital Get Down” On the surface, ‘N Sync’s “Digital Get Down” is just another song about mutual masturbation facilitated by webcams, but there’s a geography lesson hidden underneath all the “Baby, we can do more than just talk” talk. Turns out the lesson is that ‘N Sync doesn’t know anything about geography. In the chorus, they sing, “Digital digital get down just you and me / you may be 20,000 miles away, but I can see ya / and baby baby, you can see me.” Really? Twenty thousand miles? Well, since the Earth is round, and its circumference is roughly 24,000 miles, that means that at 20,000 miles away, ‘N Sync’s digital girlfriend would also be, at most, 4,000 miles away. Unless, of course, she’s in space, which would make Lance Bass really, really jealous.
R. Kelly, “Trapped In The Closet (Chapters 1-12)” When he started to write his ridiculous hip-hopera, R. Kelly probably had no way of knowing that the thing would stretch out to 12 chapters’ worth of guns, affairs, leg cramps, well-endowed midgets, and sirens that go “Wooo wooo wooo.” Still, he should have kept better track of who was actually telling the story. In Chapters 1-7, Kelly relays the action in the first person (“I pulled out my Beretta,” “I’m sweating like hell,” “I said ‘Baby, get off my leg’”). But around Chapter 8, the “I” turns into “Sylvester,” and a narrator is introduced in the form of the all-knowing R. Kelly, who sings keen observations like “Then he continues to rough up the midget / as if the midget was under attack.” But in Chapter 11, both R. Kelly/the narrator, and I/Sylvester are telling the story. Simply put, this song is a nightmare for any student of English, just like most R. Kelly fantasies.
Willie Nelson, Michael Jackson, Huey Lewis, Steve Perry, Dan Aykroyd, and others, “We Are The World” “We Are The World” was a very important song, both to starving Ethiopians and to comedy writers looking for an easy parody. But when the song tries to hammer home the preachiness, it ends up misquoting the Bible. Willie Nelson sings, “As God has shown us by turning stones to bread…” Biblically speaking, that never happened. In Matthew 4, the devil tries to get Jesus to turn some stones into bread, but Jesus refuses, saying, “One does not live on bread alone, but by every word that comes forth from the mouth of God.” So the bread/stone miracle never happened. Also, in spite of what the song says, we are not the world.
Jennifer Lopez, “Jenny From The Block“ This is one of those rare songs where every other line contradicts the one before it. For example: “I love my life and my public / put God first and can’t forget to stay real.” Yes, you’re right, J. Lo. “Real” people always remember to love their “public.” Or: “I stay grounded / as the amounts roll in / I’m real I thought I told ya / I’m real even on Oprah.” Translation: “I’m so down to earth. Seriously though, I’m making truckloads of money and getting TV gigs.” And, of course: “Don’t be fooled by the rocks that I got / I’m still, I’m still Jenny from the block.” Sure, Jennifer Lopez is just another multimillionaire from the Bronx, just like Gisele Bündchen is just another beautiful model from the slums of Brazil, and Arnold Schwarzenegger is just another huge action star/California governor from a tiny town in Austria. Never mind us, they are the world.
“At first, the girls were disoriented,” said Janet Ottley, director of the South Padre Island Wild Life Rescue Foundation. “They were frightened by the absence of familiar comforts such as overt male attention, binge drinking, and camcorders. But over time, we’ve seen improvement: so far, no reports of nipple exposure, so we’re very hopeful.”
Despite the girls’ early positive response, Ottley said that there is still a risk that they could revert to their wild state, so she continued to severely restrict their exposure to the outside world. “Any proximity to a D-list celebrity, a song by Poison, or a neon beer bong could set reintegration back to square one,” Ottley said.
Kinda reminds me of the time I was at Señor Frog’s in Cancun and the man behind me removed his pants. I just turned around and, ope, there you are! He was wildly cheering, but there was not much to cheer about, I tell ya.
So, this is totally what you should have been doing a few weekends ago: The Urban Iditarod, through the treacherous and formidable streets of San Francisco. It’s just you, a shopping cart, some willing friends to act as your “dog team” and pull the cart (mush! mush!), and your will to survive.
An estimated 1,000 people showed up this year. Sign up now for 2007. And no, it’s not an April Fool’s Joke (but could be).
Two Hipsters Angrily Call Each Other ‘Hipster’ AUSTIN, TX—An argument between local hipsters Dan Walters and Brian Guterman has devolved to the point where each is angrily calling the other “hipster,” those close to the pair reported Monday. “Hey, hipster! Here’s 12 bucks—why don’t you go get yourself a bucket of PBRs at the Gold Mine?” Walters, 22, is said to have told Guterman, 22, invoking the name of a local bar known for its “poseur” clientele. “Whatever you say, scenester,” Guterman allegedly replied. “Don’t you have a Death Cab For Cutie show to be at right now?” Acquaintances of Guterman and Walters trace the long-running conflict back to high school, when they reportedly threw pencils at each other and argued about who was more “emo.”
Addendum: Read the HILARIOUS Onion story (37 Record-Store Clerks Feared Dead In Yo La Tengo Concert Disaster) that someone posted in the comments by clicking on the “6 comments” link right below this. It’s one of the funniest things I’ve read all month:
You think you are badass. But you aren’t, compared to the man himself, Chuck Norris. Somehow the man has achieved massive cult status (apparently he deserves it? Don’t hurt me, Chuck!).
Here are just a few of the suppositions from www.chucknorrisfacts.com that made me do that silent laugh thing:
- Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
- There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
- Crop circles are Chuck Norris’ way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
- Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
- Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
- If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds ’til.” After you ask, “Two seconds ’til what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
- Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
- If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
Name: Heather Browne Location: Colorado, originally by way of California Giving context to the torrent since 2005.
"I love the relationship that anyone has with music: because there's something in us that is beyond the reach of words, something that eludes and defies our best attempts to spit it out. It's the best part of us, probably, the richest and strangest part..."
—Nick Hornby, Songbook
"Music has always been a matter of energy to me, a question of Fuel. Sentimental people call it Inspiration, but what they really mean is Fuel." —Hunter S. Thompson
Mp3s are for sampling purposes, kinda like when they give you the cheese cube at Costco, knowing that you'll often go home with having bought the whole 7 lb. spiced Brie log. They are left up for a limited time. If you LIKE the music, go and support these artists, buy their schwag, go to their concerts, purchase their CDs/records and tell all your friends. Rock on.
Ah, my first nemesis. The plastic hook I can understand. The three prongs pointing out towards you I cannot. Do you impale your picture on the prongs or hang it on the hook? Unknown.
This thing looks like you could nail it (?) to your picture? And then it would grip a nail on the wall? That seems like a lot of work when I could just use a thumbtack. Who uses these?
I have sat and turned this guy over and over in my hands and tried to figure out which side is the front and what one would do with it. I see no nail hole. I am baffled.
And here’s the granddaddy of them all. It’s for when you want to hang eleven things on little hooks, AND impale things onto four prongs. What am I missing here?!
Priceless. (From 2005, but hey, I am just seeing it now – thanks 
From that bastion of hilarity, The Onion:
Name: Heather Browne
